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Angry Dana   
10:53pm 10/03/2010
  Hey y'all. It's been a while. I am posting because I got bad news today and haven't really had the opportunity to vent. The SFC (people in charge of allocation of the student fee money) cut the debate team substantially (over 85% of our operating budget). We can try and get the senate to reject the decision (which is the next step in the process) but if we can't then I don't know how we will survive. A competitive debate team can not just go to nationals and expect to do well. I suppose I am not as angry as when we got the initial allocation but I can not believe they cut us this much. On the plus side, we now have nothing to lose which means we can be as angry as we want.

I get to debate with Mart at nationals which is a good thing and once we figure out how to communicate effectively on the bottom half, I feel that we can do relatively well. My goal is to break and also make it through a break round (the latter is not a goal but would just be a plus).
This does make things a bit awkward because I totally have a crush on him and I think that Baker might not have been the most discrete when trying to get intel on the situation. But whatever- I am not going to let it bother me. However, I do think I am going to grow some ovaries and ask him out after nationals is over. But that might end badly because I can see myself wanting to debate with him next year. Oh well- in the state we're in, actually debating next year is not really an option.
Hope you all are doing well and for those with finals around the corner- best of luck		  
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05:43pm 13/09/2009
  I like to cook but I don't really do it anymore except on special occasions. I want to be a better cook and eat more complete meals (rice as a meal probably doesn't cut it). And so... I shall set a goal for myself. I will cook something at least 3 times a week. I also have a specific something that I would like to make by hand but it sounds really particular (and thus difficult). It's an italian candy called Torrone which is a nougat (preferably vanilla flavoured) with almonds in it. http://www.107.it/alimenta/torrone/image/torrone_2.jpg.  
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11:39pm 06/09/2009
  So I am not doing very well in the movies I am seeing in theatre this year...
Star Trek and The Soloist were amazing but a while ago. It's all gone downhill since then
Transformers was atrocious (and I had to watch it in Imax)
Public Enemies was average- I got a nap in there but nothing memorable about it
Harry Potter wasn't very good but of course I have to see it in theatre. I also got a nap in there
And last but not least (that award goes to transformers) was Inglourious Basterds. I'd probably give it a D+. The plot was pretty atrocious and I guess it tried to be violent but seriously, if you are going to scalp someone in a movie, it might as well look real. I did take a nap during the part that actually had a plot but I don't think I missed much. The writing was terrible and Brad Pitt's accent made me want to kill myself. The only redeeming part of the movie was that there was German in it and I understood most of it without the subtitles.		  
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01:06pm 17/08/2009
  I spent last week in Pittsburgh and it was a lot of fun. Unfortunately, I wasn't terribly productive.

Friday: Red-eye flight with a layover in Charlotte, North Carolina
Saturday: Completion of flight. Had breakfast at Bojangle's (they put sugar on their potato rounds and it was amazing). My aunt, uncle, and their two kids were flying in in the evening. A bunch of extended cousins came over for dinner. We got to meet AJ and he is quite the adorable baby. We also went to the St Raphael Fair thing where they had a mini-golf set up with various significant points of pittsburgh (Steelers, Construction, Zoo, Incline, Kennywood, Pirates, Penguins)
Sunday: Dinner with the Collinger side of the family and then watching the fireworks that were set off to celebrate the grand opening of a casino
Monday: Discovered a polish deli that had fresh pierogies. Went to a park and sweated up a storm
Tuesday: Zoo and dinner with Aunt Betty (my grandmother's aunt)
Wednesday: Kennywood! Went with Donna (my mom's cousin) and her three girls
Thursday: Went down to the strip district to find some goodies for the debate team. It's a pain to try and find the english list of ingredients to see if things are vegan
Friday: Drove my aunt and the kids to the airport. Had dinner with Aunt Bert (my grandpa's sister), my mom's cousin Donna and her daughter Kira.
Saturday: Packed and went to the airport. Layover was in JFK. First leg of the flight was on a puddlejumper that seated 50 people! At JFK, we hunted down food and then got on a bus to go to our plane. We were behind a Jehovah's Witness who was proselytizing to his neighbor and ranting about the wicked and the fornicators (not mutually exclusive, of course). Behind us was some bratty 5-year old who was "crying" for like half an hour. People from the front of the plane came back to tell her to shut up. We got home and I saw my kitties.

It was a fun trip but I am definitely glad to be home again. I have to say, it is strange to go out and not see Steeler's stuff everywhere.		  
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07:14pm 27/07/2009
  It's my brother's birthday today. This means that we received a call from our dad. I talked to him for about a minute and I learned that he's in some sort of halfway house. I am proud of him but I can't cease to recall that he has been there before. I don't know if anything has changed to make this round more effective but I hope for the best. So... I made the decision to not tell him that I am going to be in Pittsburgh in two weeks. Maybe I'll be able to meet him eventually but I don't want to until I know that he is sober (and not just sober for the short-term). I hope he understands that by agreeing to talk to him that I forgive him to a certain extent. I hope that he understands that I say that I love him to give him hope. Without hope, he's never getting out of the hell hole he has dug himself into.

I don't know if I did the right thing. I might have passed on the only opportunity in which we are both in the same state but maybe an avenue of communication has been opened. I should probably still send him a letter telling him how I feel and saying all the words I know to give him the willpower to fight his addiction.		  
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11:46am 22/07/2009
  Drewbert is coming home this Saturday! (I still need to get him a present). He will be a whopping 22 years of age. Also, this is the first time that I realized that our birthdays are on the same day. I don't think my folks planned it that way though.
In about 2 weeks, we are going to Pittsburgh which will be amazing. I need to write my dad a letter to see if 1. he's sober and 2. if he might want to see us while we are kinda in the area. I have no idea how to write that but I figure it was a sign when he sent Drew a note. Mind you- the note merely contained a photo of my dad and drew from when he was little. Seriously- he didn't even write a note. But this means that we have an address for him. I searched for it in google and so I don't think it's a halfway house. I hope this means that he is doing well. I don't think I regret pushing him out of my life but I should have worded it in such a way that makes it less final. I should have said that I wish I could have a relationship with my dad but I can't bring myself to do that when he is an addict who only calls on major holidays. The prospect of seeing him frightens me immensely. The last time I saw him (3 years ago), my cousin commented that he looked like he was about to die. He hasn't yet but I wouldn't be too surprised. Everyday, thoughts of him dying or him coming back in my life in some scary and monumental way frighten me to no end. I imagine that I'll get a call informing me that he has died, or a family friend saw his name in the police blog of the local paper. I imagine that he'll fly over here and threaten me and people around me with whatever weapon he can find because I have somehow disappointed him. I'm not his little girl anymore who thinks highly of him just because he is my dad. I stopped thinking highly of him the moment he blamed my mom for taking his kids out of his life. 1997. I know he's sane. I know he's just a depressed drunkard and not a psychotic one but it still terrifies me. I wish I weren't crazy. I wish I could think through scenarios in a rational matter but only the worse case scenario comes to mind. I know I need to confront my fears and meet him face-to-face.		  
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Love. Question Mark   
10:43pm 20/07/2009
  Earlier today, Kelly asked me if I am in love with Will. My immediate response was probably not. It's a strange phenomenon when I have an idea of the answer but can not actually define the question. Love is one of those things, like god, that I just don't think about. In my world view, I don't need the existence of either and I don't want to waste my mindspace with thought experiments that don't get me anywhere. Maybe that's a problem. Maybe I ought to actually explore my opinions on issues before reaching to the conclusion.
So... Love- what's up with that?
People say there are different kinds of love- one doesn't love their cat the same way they love their mom or their romantic interest. I think there is a difference in emotion between how I feel about my animals and how I feel about people whom I am close with. Upon the death of an animal, I get sad, adopt a new one, and move on. It's sad to say that this pattern has also occurred with friends. I've grown apart from some people over the years and while they are still on my mind and I still care for them it's not the same than if we hadn't grown apart. But what about with my best friends and family. I know it's a cliche but they are fairly irreplaceable (for better or worse). I wouldn't even think about finding a replacement mother were something to happen to mine. Does the replaceable nature of a relationship make it love?
Sacrifice- I have a bit of a martyr complex so I have to say that I would sacrifice myself for more than those at the top of my food chain (or at least I hope that I would). Maybe I only sacrifice useless things like time and material possessions for others. I have never really found myself in a position where a sacrifice of any importance has been required.
Primal Response? Is love just the stereotypical heart beating shit that girls in shoujo manga rave about? Oh god. I hope not. If that were the case, then the only love I have experienced would be with Brent Hamilton back in high school (ew). I like to think that love is something that people other than creepers can feel.

A better question: Does love matter at all? I don't think too much of it so I like to think that it doesn't. I'll take a relationship built on trust, respect, and experience any day. But maybe that is love. That doesn't make love an exclusive sort of relationship but no one said it needed to be that way anyways.

I like to think of myself as a pragmatic sort of person. I think of the costs and benefits of being with him. Being with him is superior to not being in a relationship or any other possible alternative. Sometimes I think that I am doing it wrong. That there is some better way to frame whether a relationship is worth it.
I suppose I am writing all of this because it's on my mind but also because I am uncomfortable with myself and my relationship. The age gap is daunting but even worse is the experience gap. I trust him but I still can't help but worry when I don't hear from him for a while. I am happy as a bee when we are together (except when he states that Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is a decent book) but when I have nothing else to preoccupy my time, I worry and constantly check my phone, hoping that he sent a text or something. With a glance, I can tell that there is nothing new to report and I let my self esteem plummet. I don't like that one person can make me feel bad about myself and I don't know how to change that.


/ End Rant

On a not so related note, having a girl kitty and a boy cat = trouble. I don't know how many times a day I find him on her back, gnawing her fur. I only assume that that's some sort of sexual act because there's no blood and she doesn't look in pain.

Also, I feel old. I should not be ready for bed at this hour!		  
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10:45pm 23/06/2009
  I have been thinking a lot about where I want to end up in life. I thought I had it all pretty much figured out and while a lot of my goals are still the same, I have been thinking of the process of getting to where I want to be and that has changed quite a bit.
When I grow up, I will either work for a development agency in Africa (used to be more specific to North Africa but I think that working in places like Liberia would also be a good place for me (president ellen johnson-sirleaf is amazing. Now if only her book would be cheaper) or work in education in some urban area in the US. While I love Portland, I am worried that I will remain here for the rest of my life. Were that to happen it wouldn't be because I want to live here but because I have become content and am overwhelmed by fear to change and move out of my comfort zone.
The first step to making magic happen is to get my bachelor's degree. I am disappointed in myself but I have to admit that I have fucked up in a lot of classes and so I probably have 2 years of classes before I can get my diploma. My plan is to wait a couple of years before I go to grad school. I am already becoming so disengaged with my education that I think some real world experience would help me get motivated and perform admirably in grad school. Hopefully. I hadn't really thought of what I would be doing during those interim years, other than working. I could work at low education jobs simply to pay off my student loans or I could try to find a job that is more centered around my career interests. And so... I have been thinking about this a lot and I might change my mind between here and I definitely need to do more research. I am thinking that I should join the military after I get my degree. There is a Civil Affairs Specialist position in the army that sounds like a perfect experience to prepare me for either route that I may take. There are also legal aide positions that would be interesting. The prospect kind of scares me but I need to make improvements on my skill-set and character to better prepare me for both academic and career achievements.		  
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05:06pm 29/05/2009
  1. Last beverage - I had some milk this morning
2. Last phone call - technically to trimet
3. Last text message – probably will
4. Last song you listened to -Apocalyptica's version of Nothing Else Matters
5. Last time you cried - About 3 years ago

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice - no
7. Been cheated on? - no
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? - no
9. Lost someone special? – not particularly
10. Been depressed? - a bit
11. Been drunk and threw up? – no

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Green
13. Brown
14. Gray
15. Red

HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends - a few
17. Fallen out of love - nope
18. Laughed until you cried – probably
19. Met someone who changed you - most likely
20. Found out who your true friends were – sure
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list - yes (if one is looking at my facebook friends)
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life - all but one (facebook again)
23. How many kids do you want to have – I'll be happy with what I get (but no more than 3)
24. Do you have any pets – yus.
25. Do you want to change your name - naw. My name and I get along well.
26. What did you do for your last birthday – worked and then went to Gustav's with my mom
27. What time did you wake up today – 7:30-8
28. What were you doing at midnight last night – reading the internet
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for – TURKEY!!!
30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life – I wish I had a college degree already
31. What are you listening to right now - my cat being obnoxious
32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom – yus
33. What's getting on your nerves right now? – what I am listening to
34. Most visited webpage - Gmail!
35. What's your name - Dana
36. Nicknames - Danasaur or Zul
37. Relationship Status - in a relationship
38. Zodiac sign - Libra
39. Male/Female/Other - you decide
40. Elementary – Pearl S Buck and Durham Elementary
41. Middle School – Twality
42. High school – Tualatin High School.
43. Hair color – Brown
44. Long or short - Short. Trying to grow it out
45. Height - 5'8"
46. Do you have a crush on someone? – I suppose
47. Piercings - Ears
48. Tattoos – not as of yet
49. Righty or lefty - righty

FIRSTS :
50. First surgery – n/a
51. First piercing - ears a bit before my first holy communion
52. First best friends – Caitlin Herbst
53. First sport you joined – T-ball
54. First pet – kitty, jd, and nemo
55. First vacation - most likely, to pittsburgh
56. First concert – n/a
57. First crush – I do not recall

58. Eating - nada
59. Drinking - nada
60. I'm about to – find out if my boy wants to do something tonight
61. Listening to - see above
62. Waiting for – Nothing in particular

YOUR FUTURE :
63. Want kids? - I could go either way
64. Want to get married? - Not particularly
65. Careers in mind? – Agricultural Development or Ecucation

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE SEX OF YOUR ATTRACTION?
66. Lips or eyes - I like them to have both actually! (eyes I suppose)
67. Hugs or kisses - hmm... not a hug person.
68. Shorter or taller - whatever
69. Older or Younger - as long as they're of a legal age, I don't particularly care
70. Romantic or spontaneous - I suppose spontaneous. Overly romantic people kinda creep me out.
71. Nice stomach or nice arms - Arms!
72. Sensitive or loud – these adjectives are not related in the slightest. I guess I would prefer insensitive and loud. duh.
73. Hook-up or relationship - Relationship.
74. Trouble maker or hesitant – trouble make. wait-what

HAVE YOU EVER :
75. Kissed a stranger - no
76. Drank hard liquor - no
78. Lost glasses/contacts - it happens
79. Sex on first date – no
80. Broken someone's heart – hopefully :)
81. Had your own heart broken - no
82. Been arrested - no
83. Turned someone down - yeah (twice, technically)
84. Cried when someone died – hmm... I think I cried a bit when I found out my Uncle Lee died but I honestly don't recall
85. Liked a friend that is a guy/girl? - yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself - for sure
87. Miracles – prefer not to
88. Love at first sight - no
89. Heaven – no
90. Santa Clause – no
95. Kiss on the first date? – sure
96. Angels - no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? – there is definitely a person I wouldn't mind being with right now
98. Have you had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? - no
99. Do you get pissed and cry your heart out? – no
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? - uhh... I'll pass.		  
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04:11pm 06/05/2009
  I need a small break from my paper writing adventure. I feel like I am too heavily relying on facts rather than actually analyzing the data and I have no idea how I am going to finish with only 1 page (double-spaced) remaining. The assignment is to to take 3 UN Millennium Goals and explain why the goals have/ have not been achieved in Latin America, South Asia, and Sub-Saharan Africa. In case you were wondering, Latin America is doing the best in all categories that I am analyzing. Specifically, gender equality and empowerment, maternal mortality rates, and global partnership for development. This is all extremely interesting but a lot of times the data isn't available so I am just looking at the Progress Report from the UN. On a related note, if any of you has any free time, I recommend that you check out this site: http://ddp-ext.worldbank.org/ext/DDPQQ/member.do?method=getMembers&userid=1&queryId=182 It's put together by the World Bank and lets you compare various factors between countries and regions across a time period. It's not perfect (see a lot of data is missing) but I think it's a fabulous tool and mega-interesting.

hmm... what else.
Life's going really well right now. I get to teach a lesson for a persuasion class on Monday. I "get to" see Star Trek on Saturday. And Summer is almost here (both weather-wise and academically). Now back to work. In an hour I have to hash the last goal out, write a bibliography, and condense this fucker down.		  
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Because I am bored and ought to be doing econ hw   
09:53pm 14/04/2009
  1. First thing you wash in the shower? most likely my hair (except for when I am on my period)

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? green

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I suppose

4. Do you plan outfits? If by plan, you mean do anything more than throw on whatever is closest that doesn't smell bad- yes I do plan outfits

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? a bit worried and a lot procrastinating-ous

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red? my math is delicious bag, of course

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Oddly enough, the extent of the dream that I remember is that my mom was wearing my heels (tramp shoes)

8. Did you meet anybody new today? nope- just the same old workers and customers

9. What are you craving right now? pierogies

10. Do you floss? not really

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? egg rolls

12. Are you emotional? not really

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? can't say that I have

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it!

15. Do you like your hair? right now it's in the interim period so I am more annoyed with it than not. But I would rather have my hair than someone else's

16. Do you like yourself? yup!

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? as long as it's on his dime

18. What are you listening to right now? nada

19. Are your parents strict? not at all

20. Would you go sky diving? sure

21. Do you like cottage cheese? I used to not be a fan but now I eat it at least a couple of times a week

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? don't think so

23. Do you rent movies often? nope

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? I suppose the light could be considered sparkly

25. How many countries have you visited? 2 :(

26. Have you made a prank phone call? nope

27. Ever been on a train? yus

28. Brown or white eggs? white I suppose but I can't really make a comparative statement when I have only eaten one of the options

29. Do you have a cell-phone? yus

30. Do you use chap stick? I've got this yummy vanilla soft lips gunk right now

31. Do you own a gun? no

32. Can you use chop sticks? well enough. I haven't taken on rice yet

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? now that tonight has changed- my classmates and then probably Will

34. Are you too forgiving? I don't typically need to forgive people

35. Ever been in love? nope

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? they ought to all be in class and learning lots

37. Ever have cream puffs? yes!

38. Last time you cried? probably my senior year of high school. stress from all the IB shit and things not going as they should have

39. What was the last question you asked? I think I asked my kitty why he is being so needy tonight

40. Favorite time of the year? Fall although I am looking forward to Summer this year

41. Do you have any tattoos? not yet

42. Are you sarcastic? course not. I save sarcasm for the people with wit

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? If this is the one starring Ashton K-- then yes

44. Ever walked into a wall? probably

45. Favorite color? green!

46. Have you ever slapped someone? No but I have punched people. Or rather, they happen to walk into my fist

47. Is your hair curly? kinda. It gets pretty curly when it's longer

48. What was the last CD you bought? physical cd- nightwish "dark passion play" (I think), cd via itunes- apocalyptica "amplified: a decade of reinventing the cello"

49. Do looks matter? beyond looking healthy, no

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? probably.

51. Is your phone bill sky high? hell no! $15/ month

52. Do you like your life right now? pretty much

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? no sir

54. Can you handle the truth? I like to think I can

55. Do you have good vision? My vision is terrible but it is still the best in my family

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? nope

57. How often do you talk on the phone? not very. I typically prefer the internet or face-to-face for communication

58. The last person you held hands with? Will

59. What are you wearing? Jeans, shirt from columbia sportswear with a pocket in the back, and a jacket

60.What is your favorite animal? Meow

61. Where was your default picture taken at? The laundry room

62. Can you hula hoop? not really

63. Do you have a job? yup!

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? a soda from the machine outside work (40 cents for a can!)

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? not that I recall		  
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10:04am 12/04/2009
  Life is good. I am dating this guy from the debate team which is frightening for multiple reasons. He's seven years older than I and divorced. Also, hopefully we can avoid any debate team awkwardness. But he's a good guy so all is well right now. Other than that, classes are going well and I am really looking forward to eating pineapple stuffing today. I hope you all have a fabulous holiday. Peace.  
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01:16pm 07/04/2009
  We had our National Championships for debate this weekend and they went alright. On average, the topics were atrocious. Fortunately, we were on the right side for some of them. For example, the topic for round 6 was "This house believes that all development aid should be targeted for women" or something similar. Baker and I dominated that round. Another ego boost was that the team from Middletemple (top seed going into out rounds and otherwise amazing) thought we did better than the judge gave us credit for and assumed that we would break. Baker and I were the 23rd seed and Kelly and Sean were the 24th seed. We both dropped in the octofinal round but I am extremely proud of our team, as a whole. We had a fabulous year. Winning three tournaments and having two teams break at nationals. Along with Kelly and Rebbecca breaking at Oxford. I am looking forward to next year because I have a feeling that it is only going to get better for us.  
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02:43pm 16/03/2009
  So the debate party this weekend was a ball. I really like the environment and sense of community that our team has. I am kinda worried about how partnerships are going to go down for nationals. I am pretty sure that I will either be debating with Baker or Will and I have a clear preference on that front but I would also prefer sethers to remain unkilled. Aka it is probably in the team's best interest to have me debate with will (disregarding my own best interest).

On other notes, it is finals week and everything goes down tomorrow with a sharing/ potluck on Wednesday for my writing class. I am contemplating taking a writing class next term but I don't really know what to do.
I have been thinking that I should modify my class schedule for spring. I fucked up in arabic and so I am thinking it is not feasible for me to go into 103 next term. That would also help me get more hours for work because I would try and keep my Tuesdays and Thursdays free of classes. Currently, I am signed up for women and development, arabic, and american economic history: the twentieth century. I'll probably end up dropping arabic and taking a writing class along with a PE class. It also might be interesting to be in the orchestra again but I don't know if that's worth carting my viola around.

Other thoughts on life...
We are tentatively planning on going back to Pennsylvania for a family vacation this summer (mainly going to Pittsburgh where my mom's family is) I might want to venture to the Philadelphia area to see what there is to see. Specifically, to see if my dad is doing okay. I don't know where he is but I have a number for his friend that might have some knowledge on his whereabouts. I am worried that he is only going further downhill and, quite honestly, it still breaks my heart. You'd think I would be over this by now.
Also, I need to learn how to drive so that I can have more independence on determining my schedule. I would like to get involved with some volunteer program.

So during Spring Break I will take care of some stuff:
1. get my permit
2. find volunteer programs in the area
3. try to find a writing group and get cracking (Baker and I have already talked about this so really we just need a few more people). I really need the weekly timeframe in order to get motivated to get anything on paper.
4. work on my poverty primer
5. read the economist like a good girl
6. clean my house!		  
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07:05pm 09/02/2009
  I am so very excited for this weekend. Kelly and I are gonna bring home the biggest trophy we can muster. Also, I get to hang out with my favorite brother! The weekend will only get better if I find out that I don't have to work Sunday night.  
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07:00pm 03/02/2009
  This is kinda embarrassing.
I joined okcupid because I wanted to become more comfortable talking to strangers and also for the prospect of making friends (which I really haven't done outside of debate). So of course, there are a lot of creepy guys that get all hostile when I am blunt but that's not a problem. The problem is that I came across a girl who goes to Portland State and she seems really cute (both in terms of looks and personality) and so I want to get to know her more but I have no idea how to be a good conversationalist. I always just wait for someone else to start up a conversation or a friendship because I am too afraid of getting rejected or being judged. Rant. Complain. End Rant. Dana- grow some ovaries and talk to her!		  
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09:33pm 28/01/2009
  So in my Women and Memoir class, we are writing our own memoirs with 4 page segments due every week and then we get to edit it down to 20 pages at the end. Every week we share our pieces and get commentary. This week my group liked my piece and told me that I should share it with the class at the end of class when we have three volunteers read for the class.

I was in the Women’s Studies Sophomore Inquiry last year and we were reading a collection of women’s personal accounts of common or not so common issues for women. Now I am not one to get queasy easily but whenever I hear of someone’s battle with anorexia, I have to hold myself to make sure that I am still here. I was reading such a story on the bus to school one day and I couldn’t stop thinking that my clothes were getting bigger, my wrists were getting bonier, my spine was jutting into the back of the seat more than it ought to. I was getting frailer. Of course, this was all a mental game. Material objects like heights or spiders never scare me but abstractions like alcoholism and frailty make me freak out quite a bit.
I suppose it is because those are the two characteristics that I worry the most about becoming. I never want to be reliant on a substance or another person to maintain my own quality of life. To me, physical frailty reflects mental frailty. If one doesn’t look like they can stand on their own two feet, they probably can’t. I would rather be dead than rely upon others in order to accomplish basic tasks. Not only do I want to be strong enough to stand on my own in any and all circumstances but I also don’t want it to be a shock that I can accomplish that. I don’t want people to think that my physical being isn’t strong enough to support my weight and my ambitions. More than anything, I want to appear strong. Unfortunately, appearance isn’t everything.
Growing up I was always an active kid so I was a bit on the skinny side, nothing abnormal though. But when I reached my sophomore year in high school I noticed all of a sudden that I wasn’t skinny anymore. I wasn’t fat by any means but the doctor’s chart now put me right in the middle of the average weight for my height. 5’8”, 140 lbs. My mom started calling me fat which is amusing because she’s the same weight and only about half an inch taller than I. However, she was always quick to inform me that she didn’t weigh that much until after she had two kids. While I agreed to a certain extent that I could afford to be more conscious of my physical well-being and my diet, I was offended by her assumption that my average weight meant that I wasn’t good enough. But then she’d turn around and tell me how pretty and smart I am. I rolled my eyes and disregarded all positive commentary from her as biased. If she weren’t my mother, she would never call me pretty. No one in my age group would refer to me as attractive. I knew that I was average and while that bothered me, I was afraid to do anything about it.
I didn’t want other people to be aware of my efforts to work out or eat healthier. I didn’t want other people to know that I look at myself in the mirror, seeing nothing but not good enough. However, exercising in secret was also not an option. I knew that eventually, my mom would come downstairs after I had thought she had gone to bed. She’d see me working out and start asking questions. Questions about my body image that I was not prepared to answer. Afterwards, she would become more aware off my mannerisms around food and exercise. If I go to the bathroom after a meal, I can imagine her listening at the door to make sure that I am not forcing myself to throw up. And if she wouldn’t go that far, I can see her sitting at the kitchen table crying because there is nothing that she can do about her poor, unhealthy daughter. She would feed me her reel of positive commentary and I would roll my eyes the entire time. This cycle would not stop and while I might end up healthier or stronger at the very least, the mental anguish would make it all not worth it.
I have always been obsessed with strength. I never compared myself to girls because I knew that I was stronger than them. However, when I compared myself to guys, I would automatically place myself in the lower quartile. I associated physical strength with mental and emotional strength so it is kind of odd that I wouldn’t consider a female strong. Especially because all of the men that I knew were an emotional wreck, suffering from addiction or just lazy. On the other hand, my mother and most other females I knew were stable and mentally strong. I had never seen a woman cry, breakdown, pass-out in her plate of food, or sit in front of the TV all day. But still, they remained physically weaker than those men.
I wanted to be stronger than all of them. This was kind of difficult to accomplish when I was too afraid to actively become stronger. So instead I would just focus on my mental strength. I could do this without anyone realizing I was uncomfortable with myself. However, I didn’t really understand what strength was. Through some unknown mental process, I identified strength with the masculine and so I aimed to become more masculine which in turn would make me stronger. My clothes remained feminine because I knew that my mom would make snide comments were I to start wearing guy’s clothes. It wouldn’t be the first time she would warn me of the dangers of looking like a dyke.
The first time I heard this word, I didn’t even know what it meant. I was looking for a new watch and primarily looking at bigger, more masculine watches. My mom informed me that I would look like I dyke if I wore something like that. I got a more feminine watch because I didn’t want to look like that, whatever it meant.
When I told my family that I had joined the gay-straight alliance, I got called a dyke again (“not that there’s anything wrong with that”). Apparently, I can’t respect minority groups that I don’t belong to. I identify as bi now but I wasn’t aware of that then. I have never been in a relationship with a female but I am tired of being a female-hating-female. I always caught myself looking at women but I figured this was just jealousy. They always had something that I didn’t have and that I could not have because I was too average.
I am tall enough that I am taller than most girls but not tall enough that I stand out in a crowd. I suppose I am skinnier than most girls but not to the extent that anyone would look twice at my body. In more than just a romantic context, the people that I am attracted to are those that have characteristics that I am lacking. I admire anyone with self-confidence, the ability to talk to strangers, anyone who doesn’t constantly think themselves out of taking social risks. For the most part, I have become comfortable with myself and my image but whenever I become conscious of one of my flaws, they all come back to haunt me. My confidence is shot for a while until something happens that makes me remember that for the most part, I am pretty awesome.		  
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10:36am 19/01/2009
  Oh my fucking god. I wasn't really worried about the high school tournament we are hosting next weekend until now. Kelly and I (with the tremendous help from Gayle) went to Bardy Trophies last Monday to order our trophies for the tournament. I had made up a sheet using the descriptions of trophies we've used in the past and gave numbers of how many we need of each, along with dropping off old trophies to be replated for reuse. We also ordered some medals but those don't seem to be problematic. We get an email a bit ago from someone at Bardy asking if we need them replated or if they could just scratch off the year. I respond that as long as it reads the same, we just want the cheaper option... couple emails later I mention something about the additional trophies that we ordered. Today, she sends an email saying she was under the understanding that we had just wanted the old trophies replated.

What?! No- ma'am. The list I gave you with the information about the trophies we need, just for fun. The supplementary list with all the categories we need trophies for, just to confuse you. We really just want 4 first place, 5 second place, and 12 third place trophies.

I guess mistakes with trophies in the past are not all Chris's fault...		  
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07:43pm 18/01/2009
  I decided that I ought to write more. So I shall write for at least 1/2 hour everyday.  
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08:06pm 09/01/2009
  So... I think after a bit more than a year of eating meat, it is time to be vegetarian again. But this time, I will make sure that I am eating a healthy diet and getting protein from non-meat sources so that I don't have to lose shit-tons of hair again.

On a related note, I am attempting to grow out my hair. I am sure it'll look like shit in the process but I'll deal. I really miss being able to do stuff with my hair beyond using bobbypins for my bangs or straightening it.

I am not getting very many hours at work- next week I have 15.5 so I am looking into making use of my work study. There look to be two options hiring for Winter/ Spring term. One is in the registration department so just dealing with paperwork. And the other is in the library. Can you say dreamjob?! So I have to up my resume (probably more along the lines of redoing it because I don't think I have so much as looked at it since I started working at Albertson's.

And... I am starting to like a guy at work which is no good. Not only is he at least 15 years older than I but he is "looking for a sugar mama" who doesn't have or want kids because he already has 4 and he doesn't want to be like the Brady Bunch. <-- cute		  
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